


Only you and I will know (how you got me through)

by amazingjemma



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vietnam, F/M, Heavy Angst, Mention of wounds, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Vietnam War, pregnant Jemma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-02
Updated: 2016-05-02
Packaged: 2018-06-05 22:30:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6726049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amazingjemma/pseuds/amazingjemma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Vietnam war's finally over, but could Jemma Simmons and Leo Fitz finally be happy? Will their ghosts of past haunt them?<br/>[A sequel for SuperIrishBreakfastTea's ficlet]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Only you and I will know (how you got me through)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SuperIrishBreakfastTea](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuperIrishBreakfastTea/gifts).



> I AM SORRY I CAN'T WRITE FLUFF THIS IS BASICALLY ANGST ANGST ANGST AND NOTHING BUT ANGST (also some pregnancy stuff, not to scare you off completely xo)
> 
> Inspired by: http://superirishbreakfasttea.tumblr.com/post/142691446311/hello-there-i-have-a-prompt-for-you-war-au

She's watching the sunset outside of their small but comfortable cottage in Perthshire. She finds it fascinating the way sky changes its color and finds herself comparing it to the sunrises she and Fitz have already seen. Watching the sun calms her down. It's like a reminder that everything is over and their new life has began. Sometimes she still can't believe that this is her life now. Slow-paced, peaceful, a life full of laughs and love. Jemma's eyes fall on the golden ring on her finger and she smiles, twirling it around her finger.

 

She and Leo moved to Perthshire, to escape old memories and haunting surroundings, and got married soon after. A few months later, she found out that she was pregnant. This isn't exactly what Jemma Simmons wanted – _not yet_ – but she thinks she'll make it. As if on cue, the baby kicks her 8-month round belly. She laughs quietly and places her hand on her stomach.

 

“You are so active today, aren’t you?” she coos as another kick is delivered, “You’re gonna be a real fighter, just like your dad, aren't you?”

 

“She's doing that again?” The Scottish lilt makes Jemma turn around to find her beaming husband, “I don't see why you are comparing her to me. I'm not a fighter.” Fitz approaches his wife and hugs her from behind, kissing her neck.

 

“You always elbow me in the chest while you are sleeping, Fitz. You think I don't feel it, and I don't want to break it to you, it hurts!”

 

He groans into her neck and she giggles. These little moments of peace make Jemma forget about everything she's been through. _They_ 've been through. The past haunts her dreams and no matter how often she visits her therapist, he doesn't seem to help. Leo gave up on the therapist long ago, and Jemma is starting the think she should to do the same.

 

“Does it hurt when she kicks?” Leo's voice brings her out of her reverie and she shrugs.

 

“Not really. It hurt at first, but now it's just like butterflies in your stomach. Or something rolling around in your belly.”

 

“It doesn't sound very comfortable”, Fitz grimaces and places his hands on the sides of Jemma's tummy. She leans into his embraces and closes her eyes. “We should go to bed. Gotta get up early tomorrow.”

 

“Duty calls, huh?” Jemma asks, following Fitz into their house and to the bedroom. “How is your hand? I know, it's been a while, but... are you okay with lifting heavy stuff?”

 

“I'm just an engineer, Jem”, Fitz rushes to reassure his wife, waiting for her to lay down next to him. “Can't say I lift heavy things, actually. Just fixing and creating new stuff.”

 

Jemma hums and crawls to his side, her big belly makes her groan. Leo laughs but looks at his wife adoringly.

 

“I am so _fat._ ” Jemma adjusts herself at Fitz's side and sighs deeply. “Remind me never to get pregnant again. I'm so done with being so round.”

 

“You are still beautiful to me”, Fitz says quietly and leans down to kiss Jemma's cheek. “I love you. You know that, right?”

 

Jemma suddenly stills and moves her head to Fitz's side. She can swear that she sees that fear she saw the first time: when he came into the chopper, covered in blood, and refused to go home. But then, he was young and scared, and now he is almost a father of their first child. She knows the ghosts will never let them go and she fears that sooner or later, they'll have to face them again.

 

“Of course I know”, she replies softly and her lips quirk into a sad smile. “I love you too. We are going to be fine, right?”

 

Fitz knows Jemma still has issues with being surrounded by a lot of people. Or seeing red wine. She can be distant and disoriented. She is still scared of fireworks or loud noises. Fitz feels this is his responsibility to make his wife feels safe and he does everything to make sure she won't be startled by anything what causes her panic attacks. Not right now, when they are expecting a baby and he needs Jemma to feel well.

 

“Sleep, love. I'll be right beside you when you wake up. Promise.”

 

For now, it sounds reassuring but deep inside Jemma feels that something is going to happen. She purses her lips and scoots closer to Fitz, feeling his fingers caressing her hair.

 

_She paces around and biting her nails, waiting for the chopper to bring in the recently wounded soldiers. She's watching other nurses caring about their patients and one of them cries out of pain when a young nurse – Callie – tries to stitch his wound. Callie whines and apologizes quickly and Jemma Simmons knows this young poor girl doesn't know what to do to sooth soldier's pain. Simmons takes anesthetic from her table and rushes to the younger woman._

 

“ _It's okay, Callie. Give him anesthetic and hold him tight, okay? You can do that?” Callies stares at the older woman and then nods, following Jemma's instructions. Jemma knows that this is something Callie is not prepared for, no fifteen year old should have to be prepared for this. A few screams later the soldier relaxes and takes Callie's hand. The girl is crying but Jemma smiles and pats her colleague's shoulder, telling her she did well._

 

_A new wave of wounded soldiers arrives and Jemma rushes to the bed she's responsible for and searches for a familiar face in this crowd. She hopes that the man she's looking for is not here but, to her dismay, she sees him. For a minute, she feels an urgent to cry, but Jemma takes a deep breath and shakes her head. She has a job to do._

 

“ _Hey! Take him here, I'll take care of him”, she calls out for the men and they lay down the wounded Privat. Jemma shoos them away, bending over her friend. “Lincoln? Lincoln, can you hear me?”_

 

_She feels panic rising in her chest but, after a single terrifying moment, Lincoln opens his blurry eyes. Jemma smiles and sighs in relief: taking the bandage from her bedside table and a water-logged cloth to wash the blood from his forehead._

 

“ _Simmons? Is that really you?” His voice is almost a whisper but still Jemma can hear it. “I didn't... didn't think...”_

 

“ _You are alive, Private Campbell and I'll take care of you”, Simmons says professionally keep cleaning his face. “How many of you?”_

 

“ _Almost everyone”, Lincoln says quietly and closes his eyes. Jemma frets but the soldier smiles. “I never... never thought that you... would be taking care of me.”_

 

_Jemma giggles and Private Campbell swallow, the taste of the blood is overwhelming. Simmons examines his body and w notices a bullet wound just above his collarbone, She nearly chokes but pulls herself together and turns to see if there are older nurses to help her._

 

“ _Linc, does it hurt when you... move?”_

 

_It's a stupid question but Jemma wants her friend to admit that he is feeling it and she doesn't want to break it to him. That he may die. He should have died right there, wherever they were but somehow, the bullet didn't graze anything what could lead to immediate death._

 

“ _My back”, Lincoln replies, “and my neck, it's... it burns.”_

 

“ _It's the bullet”, Jemma says quietly and Private Campbell opens his eyes. “I.. I have to remove it but I don't know how, or if... Lincoln, I'm...”_

 

“ _Hey, shh, it's okay”, the soldier rushes to calm Jemma down and takes her hand, groaning slightly. “Jemma?”_

_  
“Yeah?”_

 

“ _Please, tell Daisy I love her.”_

 

“ _No. No, Lincoln. You tell her that yourself, when you are back to her. She's waiting for you. She knows you'll come back.”_

 

“ _But you said...”_

 

“ _I said that I can't remove the bullet... myself”, Jemma shakes her head and turns around to find the nurse she was looking for a few minutes earlier. When she meets Isabelle Hartley's eyes, Jemma waves her to come. “But with the help of my friend, you'll be fine. But I need you to lay still. I'll give you an anesthetic, okay?”_

 

“ _Anything to keep me alive”, Lincoln mutters to Jemma’s relief. Her best friend is fighting to go home to the girl he loves._

 

_It's been months and Jemma was exhausted. She wanted to go home. She was tired of being strong and fearless. Her hazel eyes, once bright and hopeful, were now blurry and full of ghosts. Her hands constantly covered in blood, her lips trembling with ever new patient that is brought into her care._

 

_She has lost four soldiers. First, sergeant Bakshi, then Private Idaho. The third soldier, whose dag tags read Will Daniels, was still alive but Jemma knew he wouldn’t make it. The fourth Private was barely whole when Jemma arrived – he was young, but with missing tags he couldn’t be identified. Most of the soldiers tried to flirt with her, but her heart belonged to another man already. That's why she had made a simple ring from everything she could find and wore it as her engagement ring. No one asked her questions after that._

 

_She was sitting on the bed in the hospital, staring nowhere in particular. She was done. She wanted to go home. She wanted to go back to Fitz, the Private she fell in love with right there on the chopper, when she cradled his head on her lap. Her fingers clutching his latest letter and she mutters “he'll help me, he'll help when I'm home, he waits for me”. She lets herself shed a few tears, something she hasn’t allowed herself to do in weeks. Others nurses were sent to confidential locations and now Jemma Simmons completely alone. She had only sat there a moment before she hears heavy footsteps and swearing, she hides the letter in her nurse uniform pocket and stands up._

 

“ _Sergeant Ward, got shot four times in the chest while trying to keep his undercover mission”, the tall woman yells and Jemma rushes to the man and check his pulse._

 

“ _He's dead”, she says and the others stare at his as if she came back from the dead. “What?”_

 

“ _He.. He was breathing when we got him”, another soldier says._

 

“ _He got shot four times”, Jemma repeats, more steadier. “Have you seen any man live long after four shots to the chest?!”_

 

_She is yelling now and the rest of the soldiers take a step back. Jemma can see fear on their faces and she understands them. She's scared too._

 

“ _I'm sorry”, she apologizes and shakes her head. “I'm just... I... he is dead. I can't... can't save him. The final bullet grazed his heart and there is nothing I can do to help him. I don't know how to bring a person back from the dead, unfortunately.”_

 

_The soldiers just shake their heads and retreat, leaving Jemma Simmons alone with the authorities. A middle-aged general takes a step forward._

 

“ _Miss Simmons, how many of you are still here, in this hospital?”_

 

“ _It's just me, sir”, Jemma replies quietly while washing dead soldier's face off blood._

 

“ _We'd like you to go on a confidential location. We need a nurse there and you are the most perfect example of a woman who helps soldiers believe they are going to live.”_

 

_Jemma stills and looks up at the man. Her jaw falls down and she feels her hands start to shake. “Sir, I... I'm not sure...”_

 

“ _I don't think you understood me right”, general smiles. “The war is almost over, but we still need someone who would motivate our soldiers to fight. One step more, and everything will be over, Miss Simmons. This is an order. Pack your things up and make sure Sergeant Ward is going to be recognized by his wife. We'll send her our condolences.”_

 

_Jemma smiles and returns her attention to the fallen soldier. She feels nauseous when she looks at his face. There is something dark about it and she can't help but open his eyes._

 

_There are ghosts dancing in his dark brown eyes. It makes Jemma's blood run cold and she quickly shuts his eyes, taking a few steps away, her chest starting to fill with something that feels like lead. Now she understands why they close the eyes of the dead._

 

_She is suffocating and there is no one who could help her. She can't do that. She doesn't want to do that. She looks down and all she sees is blood in her hands, clothes, probably on her face too. For the first time, she is truly scared. Her scream echoes in the old, almost ruined, hospital room._

 

Jemma wakes up with a start, both from pain in her stomach and because someone was calling her. The voice she heard was familiar but Jemma couldn't understand who exactly it was – the man from the dream or her husband, trying to wake up his wife. She feels warm hands on her cold face and tries to focus on the voice which tells her to wake up.

 

“Jemma! Jem, wake up. C'mon, love, I'm here. Look at me. Jem, look at me!”

 

Taking shallow breaths, she finally concentrates on man's voice and looks into deep blue eyes of her husband. He is holding her face close, stroking her tear streaked cheeks with his thumbs, and murmuring reassuring words.

 

“You are safe, Jem. You are home. The war is over; there is nothing you should be afraid of. I promise, it's okay, just breathe.”

 

Jemma feels like she is in a cage full of lions. She can't breath, can't escape, she is scared for herself and her child and it causes another yet breakdown. She lets out a whimper and scoots closer to Fitz, hiding her face in the crook of his neck. Fitz just sighs and cuddles Jemma, making her as comfortable as her body allows her and kissing her hair.

 

He remembers first day after he came back home. He couldn't sleep and even the briefest reminder of the field sent him into a break down. He remembers throwing up at night at the memory of his friends dead and torn apart. He still sometimes sees their faces, but the worst has gone. And now, his job is to help Jemma to fight her demons.

 

“I've got you, Jemma”, he murmurs, feeling her calming down. “I'll never let you go. I've got you, love. We'll make it. I love you, always. No matter where we are.”

 

His voice is soft and a little bit hoarse but this is enough to make Jemma calm down. Ten minutes later she's clinging to him, and he holds her close while his free hand stroking her belly. Jemma looks down and takes his hand, fingers intertwined. She starts stroking her belly as well, taking little steady breaths.

 

“I'm sorry, baby girl”, she whispers to their unborn child and Leo smiles. “Sometimes your mother can't control herself.”

 

“That's why you both have me”, Fitz says quietly and Jemma smiles weakly. “I will protect you from any nightmare and remind you that your safe.”

 

When the pain goes away, Jemma makes herself comfortable in bed and looks up at Fitz who still looks worried. “Sorry, I... I had a nightmare...”

 

“Hey, it's okay”, he rushes to reassure her. “I understand. You have no idea how many of nightmares I had when I came back. But I'm here, okay? For you, and for our child.”

 

“You promised me. In your last letter. That you'll help me...”

 

“Always, Jem. Always.”

 

She murmurs a soft “thank you” and crawls to her husband carefully, taking him by his hand. Even now, after a dozen of nightmares and bloody paths, he is still here. The only person who can scare her ghosts away and lock down the nightmares to protect her. And this is where Jemma thinks: yes, she wanted this.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading this and I am (not) sorry for all the tears you had shed.  
> Big thanks to honeylavendertea for being my beta xo
> 
> Title is from russian poem "Wait for me" by Konstantin Simonov (I highly recommend you to read it and cry with me haha)
> 
> Comments or/and comments make me really happy!


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